Sexual Assault and the Blame Game

Last week I started SART (Sexual Assault Response Team) training. Needless to say I was disheartened at the statistics around sexual assault. I wondered why sexual assault is so prevalent in our country; after all we are not some third world nation where most people are uneducated! Then I heard a news show talking about the recent statistics on sexual assaults in the military reaching 26,000 in 2012.

They were talking about birther Donald Trump who said “What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?"  Personally, I expect that men should be able to control their bodily functions. Aren’t men supposed to be strong? After all, we live in a male dominated society and if men admit they cannot control themselves, why are they in charge? Why should we trust men in any form of leadership if they can’t control themselves from assaulting others?

But more important, why aren’t men speaking out against this type of logic? This type of logic does diminish the perceived mental capacity of men. Men are just weak minded, right?!

I know I would be insulted if some birther told me women can’t control their ability to harm others!

Earlier this month, an Arizona student caused a ruckus when he held up a sign that read, “You Deserve Rape”. He felt that women who do not dress conservatively deserve rape. This is another prevalent theme for victim blaming although the logic is similar to Mr. Trump’s theory; men can’t control themselves. Again, does this make any sense? If this were true would our mothers deserve to be raped for wearing bathing suits? If clothes or lack thereof caused rape wouldn’t our beaches be strewn with sexually assaulted victims? Clothes have no supernatural power. They cannot make someone sexually assault anyone.

Sexual assault is not about sex; it’s about power and control. Sexual assault is not romantic. It is ugly and it leaves scars.

I remember many many years ago a boss invited me to a party at his house after work. It’s wasn’t an unusual invite; our group usually went out after work on Friday. I was the first to arrive. He gave me a tour of the house. I tried to act impressed but honestly, I was just waiting for the others to arrive. Suddenly he attacked. I landed on the bed with him on top of me and he already had my pants unzipped. He was heavy. I wondered why he would do that with the others coming until it hit me that there was no party and he wasn’t going to stop. I can’t explain why but started hysterically laughing at my own stupidity. I was shaking I was laughing so hard. I laughed so hard I started choking. It was my salvation. He stopped. I was extremely lucky!

Don’t mistake my laughter as having fun. It was only my manifestation of shame and fear; the shame of making a mistake, the shame of being weaker, the fear when you can’t escape or control the situation. It was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. How do you reconcile that your nice boss is actually a horrible monster? It was a lesson in the dark side of humanity no one should have to learn. I don’t want to imagine how I would have felt if he hadn’t stopped.

Was I to blame because I wore the wrong outfit? Was I to blame for trusting that my boss would tell me the truth? Was I to blame for not waiting outside for others to arrive? No! No! And No!

It’s time we admit the truth about sexual assault. The only person responsible for a sexual assault is the assaulter whether the assaulter is a man or a woman!

Here are some statistics about sexual assault courtesy of CDC (Centers for Disease Control) 2012:

• 42.2% of female rape victims were first raped before age 18.
• 29.9% of female rape victims were first raped between the ages of 11-17.
• 12.3% female rape victims and 27.8% of male rape victims were first raped when they were age 10 or younger

Please stop blaming victims!

* http://www.rainn.org/statistics